In need of some guidance...

[cloud9mission]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well. I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith at the moment and I hope someone can offer some guidance. So about 6 months ago, I split up with my girlfriend. It was a pretty painful breakup and she did some very hurtful things to me, but it's in the past now.

The problem I'm having is with forgiveness. I know Jesus wants me to forgive her for what she has done but I'm having the hardest time doing so just lately. I really want to forgive her but every time I try, I'm reminded of all the hurtful things she said / did. I feel like I'm letting God down for some petty reason such as pride but I'm still really struggling to find forgiveness in my heart.

Hopefully, in time, I can find the strength I need to do what I know I have to do.

On the other hand, shouldn't people have to earn my trust / forgiveness?

I really do not know what to do here and some advice from fellow Christians is really what I need at the moment!

Hope you all can help

[B3Wannabe]

No. People don't earn forgiveness, maybe trust, but not forgiveness.

I'm a little callous about things like this. I see it as a blessing that you didn't get married.

[MissRiss]

We are just asked to forgive.

I'm sure you will. Life is too short. Do it and move on with the rest of your life.

[LaylaMonroe]

I've learned that unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the other person.

I agree with MissRiss. Life is too short. Forgive her, let it go, and move on. You'll feel SO much better. Besides, I'm sure someone has had to forgive you a time or two. Maybe you didn't do what she did, but you did something... and somebody forgave you. Try doing the same. 

As you mature, you learn to not only forgive, but even to forgive when a person isn't sorry. It's not always easy, but it is definitely possible.

Do you want to please your flesh or your Savior?

[JustBecause]

Its hard to forgive someone who shows NO Remorse (sp?)

I find that I have to first let go of the hurt... I do this by trying to figure out why it happened... Everything happens for a reason... Next I look at what I may or may not have done to cause it to happen... 9 times out of 10 I did nothing wrong... It just happened...

Then what I do is pray for my heart, the hurt and the pain I am going thru... and depending on how deep the wound is... You may find yourself praying everyday... (Not necessary but it made me feel better )

What I may do is once I have calmed down enough to have a conversation with the person... I give them an opportunity to apololgize or even show some kind of remorse...

Now here's where it gets tricky for me... If they show remorse... I forgive them and move on... But if they dont show any type of remorse or even remotely want to apologize... Guess what... You STILL have to forgive them and then walk away... What I find that helps me with this is... I state to them "I forgive you, and I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me" It makes me feel a whole lotta betta....

BTJM....

[LaylaMonroe]

Wow.

If 9 out of 10 times you did nothing wrong, you're good. LOL. Obviously, I need to take some notes.

[malthumb]

Wow.

If 9 out of 10 times you did nothing wrong, you're good. LOL. Obviously, I need to take some notes.

There's a fine line between "didn't do anything wrong" and "could've done / handled things better".  Typically I find that my contributions to messed up situations is that I could have handled things a different way to arrive at a better outcome.   Doesn't mean that what I did was WRONG, just not EFFECTIVE.  If I measure it that way, then I'm like JB, in that 9 times out of 10, I didn't do anything wrong.  Now that 10th time.......    

[LaylaMonroe]

There's a fine line between "didn't do anything wrong" and "could've done / handled things better".  Typically I find that my contributions to messed up situations is that I could have handled things a different way to arrive at a better outcome.   Doesn't mean that what I did was WRONG, just not EFFECTIVE.  If I measure it that way, then I'm like JB, in that 9 times out of 10, I didn't do anything wrong.  Now that 10th time.......    

I tend to be way more b/w than that... there's a right way and a wrong way to handle things. If you can handle things better, then I wouldn't say you "didn't do anything wrong", BTJM.  And even if you disagree with that and find that there's a difference, the bottom line is that you still contributed to the messed up situation one way or another, which means you have to accept some of the responsibility.

Some people (not talking about you or JB or anyone in particular) like to avoid responsibility for their wrongdoing by using those types of "well I could've handled it differently, but I didn't do anything wrong" excuses... and that's dangerous and it yields to harmful pride, IMO. Folks never want to admit when they're wrong. I hate that.

And another thing, I'm concerned (again, in general) with people who never think they're wrong, and others are always doing them wrong. Really? So 90% of the time you're right and the other person is wrong? Wow. The funny part is that if you got those 9 people together, they would probably all agree that you were the one who was wrong and you're the only one who doesn't think you were wrong. LOL (but of course, you could've handled things a little differently). 

[malthumb]

I tend to be way more b/w than that... there's a right way and a wrong way to handle things. If you can handle things better, then I wouldn't say you "didn't do anything wrong", BTJM.  And even if you disagree with that and find that there's a difference, the bottom line is that you still contributed to the messed up situation one way or another, which means you have to accept some of the responsibility.

Some people (not talking about you or JB or anyone in particular) like to avoid responsibility for their wrongdoing by using those types of "well I could've handled it differently, but I didn't do anything wrong" excuses... and that's dangerous and it yields to harmful pride, IMO. Folks never want to admit when they're wrong. I hate that.

And another thing, I'm concerned (again, in general) with people who never think they're wrong, and others are always doing them wrong. Really? So 90% of the time you're right and the other person is wrong? Wow. The funny part is that if you got those 9 people together, they would probably all agree that you were the one who was wrong and you're the only one who doesn't think you were wrong. LOL (but of course, you could've handled things a little differently). 

That stuff up thar in BLUE is where we are in complete agreement.  That rest of it is where you're just flat wrong, so accept responsibility for that.  j/k

I cannot afford to be B/W on this kind of stuff, maybe because of the type of work that I do.  In my line of work, there's a few clearly wrong answers.  They range from "dang, that would be a waste of time and money" to "the resulting lawsuits would shut the company down".  And there are even fewer clearly right answers, ranging from "that can improve our profit picture by x%" to "this is a no-brainer, where do I sign?".  There are a lot of incremental decisions that are all contingent on forecast conditions and ability for multiple groups to execute to a plan.  Judgement in evaluating competing paths is required.

My job is to develop the plan.  Others execute to the plan.   If I put together a high risk plan with high payout but a narrow margin for error and the execution doesn't pan out, am I WRONG for not prescribing a lower risk plan with lower potential payout, or could I have just handled it differently, based on different assumptions / forecasts?

[malthumb]

Ummmmmm.....Back to Cloud9's question.... 

I would say that you do need to offer forgiveness.  That is the Christian thing to do.  You do not have to just flip the trust switch back to "On".  That has to be earned.

Forgiveness is granted, trust is earned.  They don't always happen at the same time.

[LaylaMonroe]

That stuff up thar in BLUE is where we are in complete agreement.  That rest of it is where you're just flat wrong, so accept responsibility for that.  j/k

I cannot afford to be B/W on this kind of stuff, maybe because of the type of work that I do.  In my line of work, there's a few clearly wrong answers.  They range from "dang, that would be a waste of time and money" to "the resulting lawsuits would shut the company down".  And there are even fewer clearly right answers, ranging from "that can improve our profit picture by x%" to "this is a no-brainer, where do I sign?".  There are a lot of incremental decisions that are all contingent on forecast conditions and ability for multiple groups to execute to a plan.  Judgement in evaluating competing paths is required.

My job is to develop the plan.  Others execute to the plan.   If I put together a high risk plan with high payout but a narrow margin for error and the execution doesn't pan out, am I WRONG for not prescribing a lower risk plan with lower potential payout, or could I have just handled it differently, based on different assumptions / forecasts?

I knew you were coming from a work perspective. LOL

I'm not. I was kinda running with the original issue, which was more personal than work-related. I do agree that at work, you can be in a situation where you could've done things differently, but still not be wrong. However, in relationships (any kind of relationship), I say that if you could've done it differently, but you didn't, and as a result, things went haywire, then yeah... you're partially responsible.

[JustBecause]

malthumb and LaRue

Actually you both are right and you both are wrong... In a manner of speaking...

What makes the difference is choice...

There are a number of things/situations that could have been handled better... But we choose the path that we go... For whatever our reasons... This is why I stand on "Everything happens for a reason and everthing happened as it should"... Because of choice...

I chose NOT to compromise, therefore my relationship ended/lasted... I chose to compromise therefore my relationship ended/lasted... Kind of a catch 22...

We all make decisions which at the time we thought was the best decision to make... it is only when things go "Wrong" that we feel as though we could have done things differently... One of the problems with choice and freewill...

Bottomline, and this is JUST ME, We make decisions that dont always pan out the way we want them to... and we MAY have done something wrong and we may not have... But it turned out the way it turned out... Sure you will feel bad about it... maybe even beat yourself up about it... But the bible tells me in Roman 8:28 that its gonna work out for my good... So I deal, get over it and move on... Some things take longer to get over but I get over it none the less...

Besides God knew what I was gonna do before I did it anyway....

Now back to clous9's question... Forgive and move on... You will feel so much better when you do... Plus think of it this way... If she wants to be wrong and strong... Then let her... It will get to her eventually... The worst that could happen what she's done to you will eventually be done to her and she will have no choice but to look back at what happened between you and her and feel like a germ... But no worries for you... Because you already forgave her...

~Jumps off the soap box~

[sjonathan02]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well. I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith at the moment and I hope someone can offer some guidance. So about 6 months ago, I split up with my girlfriend. It was a pretty painful breakup and she did some very hurtful things to me, but it's in the past now.

The problem I'm having is with forgiveness. I know Jesus wants me to forgive her for what she has done but I'm having the hardest time doing so just lately. I really want to forgive her but every time I try, I'm reminded of all the hurtful things she said / did. I feel like I'm letting God down for some petty reason such as pride but I'm still really struggling to find forgiveness in my heart.

Hopefully, in time, I can find the strength I need to do what I know I have to do.

On the other hand, shouldn't people have to earn my trust / forgiveness?

I really do not know what to do here and some advice from fellow Christians is really what I need at the moment!

Hope you all can help

The thing about forgiveness that I've learned is bolded. It's what occurs in YOUR heart; not the other person's heart; not their actions.

If you want to be able to move on in your relationships with anyone, then you have to find it in YOUR heart to forgive when a person hurts you.

Nope, ain't easy; but, it's one of the things, if not THE thing, that makes us as believers different from the world.


I leave you with this song:

Kevin LeVar - "A Heart That Forgives" Official Music Video

Please know that God has you in His arms as you learn to let this go.

[LaylaMonroe]

Isn't that such an awesome song??

I remember a while ago, some guy posted it on here and I didn't pay it much mind. Sure as heck didn't click on the link. 

Then, I was in a rental car going and it came on Satellite radio... it sounded familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it.

It wasn't until the song was almost off (and I was in tears) that I remembered I had seen the artist and title on LGM, but never listened to the song.

[sjonathan02]

Isn't that such an awesome song??

I remember a while ago, some guy posted it on here and I didn't pay it much mind. Sure as heck didn't click on the link. 

Then, I was in a rental car going and it came on Satellite radio... it sounded familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it.

It wasn't until the song was almost off (and I was in tears) that I remembered I had seen the artist and title on LGM, but never listened to the song.

Love that song. I wish I could sing it. I may give it a go, anyway. I wanted to use it for Valentine's Day but our church went another way in celebrating the day.

[betnich]

My Pastor says that you can forgive, but "keep the receipt" - so that you won't have to learn that lesson in the same way again.


I was watching a movie on TV - THE BIBLE COLLECTION - JOSEPH - and was struck by the lessons this story offered on forgiveness. Joseph was favored by his father, possessing intelligence and insight from God - yet he was hated, mistreated and sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. In Egypt he gained management over Potipher's household, only to be falsely accused and jailed. But even in prison he never gave up; he rose until he was given charge over the facility and the other innmates.

No doubt in prison Joseph saw many (like Pharoah's cupbearer) released from captivity while he himself was left behind, forgotten. But the Lord did not forget - He had a plan for Joseph, which included using him to save Egypt, as well as his own people. In all this it was Joseph's perseverance, his faith in himself and God and most of all his forgiveness of misjudgement and mistreatment that helped him through.

Of course he had some 'payback' and testing for his brothers when they came and bowed before him in Egypt (who wouldn't be tempted?). But when he revealed himself to them he was magnaminous. He told them - "Don't be afraid. You meant it for evil. But God used it for good..."

[T-Block]

I've learned that unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the other person.

OMG, that is sooooooo true. I can't CO-SIGN this big enough!!!

The other person is going along smooth like nothing happened and u the one all miserable and stuff. I've been there b4 and it sucks. Forgive the girl and move on wit ur life. What goes arounds will definitely come around. You may not be there to see it, but it's coming.

I leave u with this song (not gospel, but a great song) called "Free Yourself":

Fantasia Barrino feat. Missy Elliott - Free yourself