Teens and Relationships

[Jmanley1116]

LGMers,

I call on you because I need to know how you feel about this.  I am really seeking the opinions of fathers, but the ladies are more than welcome to chime in.

My wife and I were having a spirited debate this morning on the way to work regarding when is appropriate for girls to start "talking" to guys.  My wife feels that girls should not have ANY legal contact with boys until they are about 17.  This means no guys calling the house, no dating.  She feels that anything earlier will lead to fast and hot girls and eventually pregnancy.

I on the other hand feel that relationships with boys should be developed in stages and under the careful watch (and not stranglehold) of the parent.  I think that at 13-14 the ONE boy calling the home for my daughter is ok.  As long as the conversations are brief, before 8PM and in public (ie, not in her room).  This way when dude calls and I answer the phone, I get to know who he is and get a sense of what he is about through discernment.  This way I also get to steer her social development in knowing how she interacts with the opposite sex and not rely on the world and her girlfriends to develop her habits to the point where I have no control when she is 16 or 17.

I told my wife that there are way too many other ways to communicate with the opposite sex now.  There is email, text message, MySpace, IM, etc.  I would rather her have a method that I can readily monitor than to have to pray and hope to God that she is not going down the wrong path using these other mediums.

In this world where children are force fed sexual and relational images via music, TV, and Movie we have to guide our kids through these troubling waters and not throwing them in the brig until we reach the desired point on the trip...you know?

Am, I wrong?  Is my viewpoint skewed.  Am i setting myself up for failure in developing my daughters social habits?  (Mind you I have a son too and she NEVER even bought him up, LOL!  Why is that?)   

Chime in......

[sjonathan02]

I think the age doesn't necessarily matter it's what is taught to your daughter as she develops emotionally and physically.

I think you're on the right track. Keep the lines of communication open, at all times, to the best of your ability (after all, you ARE her parents and it's the nature of children to keep things from their parents, sadly).

Let her know what to expect, as her father (after all, you WERE a boy once yourself no matter how many times she forgets that  ); help her to peep "the game" of boys.

I feel for you bruh; I pray I only have son(s) (not that it'll be much different  ).

And, before you ask, I speak not as a parent, but a godparent AND as a teacher who acts, in loco parentis, daily (despite the government's inepitude concerning education).

[Keys410]

Dude I am not a parent but I see things the way you do. If you don't allow her to communicate with boys in your presence, she will do it secretly. Like you said it's to many ways of communication out there. I honestly feel telling her she can not talk to boys till she is 16 or 17 would create problems. Puberty hits a lot earlier than 16 or 17. Clear communication and guidelines will help give her a social life and keep her out of trouble.. and alot of prayer

[Jmanley1116]

I think the age doesn't necessarily matter it's what is taught to your daughter as she develops emotionally and physically.

I think you're on the right track. Keep the lines of communication open, at all times, to the best of your ability (after all, you ARE her parents and it's the nature of children to keep things from their parents, sadly).

Let her know what to expect, as her father (after all, you WERE a boy once yourself no matter how many times she forgets that  ); help her to peep "the game" of boys.

I feel for you bruh; I pray I only have son(s) (not that it'll be much different  ).

And, before you ask, I speak not as a parent, but a godparent AND as a teacher who acts, in loco parentis, daily (despite the government's inepitude concerning education).

I got it bad, too.  I have two daughters.  One is 12 with a cycle and the other is 7.  My son is 13.


....are ya' praying??

[jjblack]

I got it bad, too.  I have two daughters.  One is 12 with a cycle and the other is 7.  My son is 13.


....are ya' praying??

Praying hard for you....

I got a son but I only want to have one daugther, so I can keep my eye on her.

[sjonathan02]

I got it bad, too.  I have two daughters.  One is 12 with a cycle and the other is 7.  My son is 13.


....are ya' praying??

Bruh, I'll be transparent; I wasn't, but I'm fitina (int) start, right NOW! 

[SisterCM]

LGMers,

I call on you because I need to know how you feel about this.  I am really seeking the opinions of fathers, but the ladies are more than welcome to chime in.

My wife and I were having a spirited debate this morning on the way to work regarding when is appropriate for girls to start "talking" to guys.  My wife feels that girls should not have ANY legal contact with boys until they are about 17.  This means no guys calling the house, no dating.  She feels that anything earlier will lead to fast and hot girls and eventually pregnancy.

I on the other hand feel that relationships with boys should be developed in stages and under the careful watch (and not stranglehold) of the parent.  I think that at 13-14 the ONE boy calling the home for my daughter is ok.  As long as the conversations are brief, before 8PM and in public (ie, not in her room).  This way when dude calls and I answer the phone, I get to know who he is and get a sense of what he is about through discernment.  This way I also get to steer her social development in knowing how she interacts with the opposite sex and not rely on the world and her girlfriends to develop her habits to the point where I have no control when she is 16 or 17.

I told my wife that there are way too many other ways to communicate with the opposite sex now.  There is email, text message, MySpace, IM, etc.  I would rather her have a method that I can readily monitor than to have to pray and hope to God that she is not going down the wrong path using these other mediums.

In this world where children are force fed sexual and relational images via music, TV, and Movie we have to guide our kids through these troubling waters and not throwing them in the brig until we reach the desired point on the trip...you know?

Am, I wrong?  Is my viewpoint skewed.  Am i setting myself up for failure in developing my daughters social habits?  (Mind you I have a son too and she NEVER even bought him up, LOL!  Why is that?)   

Chime in......

I agree with your viewpoint but not the age.   Which is the oldest son or daughter?

[SisterT]

Jmanley, I got to agree with you.

My daughter is 13 and has a "boyfriend". I was against the whole idea at first, but it was my HUSBAND who convinced me to allow her to have said boyfriend. She can't go on a date with the guy, and we carefully monitor phone calls, and conversations.

At 17, whether you want her to or not, your child will most likely had a secret "boyfriend". If she is not allowed to had a relationship at 17, then she MAY enter college making very bad decisions when it comes to boys. Sheltered kids usually get wild once they become of adult age.

Since my daughter was allowed to have a boyfriend, we have become even closer and transparent in our discussions. She comes to me with the boyfriend issues, which allows me to guide her into wise decisions.

She even told me about her first kiss. Dude kissed her on the cheek. I wanted to cringe and say, "don't ya'll be doing that", BUT I used the moment as an opportunity for REAL talk without the scolding.

As women, I think it's harder for us to let our daughters have relationship because we know if they were to get pregnant it will be our responsibility. Most boys/men leave the scene once that happens. But I think real talk instead of sheltering will help guide kids into better choices.

We teach our daughter to say no, but we also teach her about what's on a predator's boy's mind. Most parents don't teach their boys about saying NO, so as a parent of a girl, I must teach my child how to make sure that the predator boy understands NO.

[sjonathan02]

Jmanley, I got to agree with you.

My daughter is 13 and has a "boyfriend". I was against the whole idea at first, but it was my HUSBAND who convinced me to allow her to have said boyfriend. She can't go on a date with the guy, and we carefully monitor phone calls, and conversations.

At 17, whether you want her to or not, your child will most likely had a secret "boyfriend". If she is not allowed to had a relationship at 17, then she MAY enter college making very bad decisions when it comes to boys. Sheltered kids usually get wild once they become of adult age.

Since my daughter was allowed to have a boyfriend, we have become even closer and transparent in our discussions. She comes to me with the boyfriend issues, which allows me to guide her into wise decisions.

She even told me about her first kiss. Dude kissed her on the cheek. I wanted to cringe and say, "don't ya'll be doing that", BUT I used the moment as an opportunity for REAL talk without the scolding.

As women, I think it's harder for us to let our daughters have relationship because we know if they were to get pregnant it will be our responsibility. Most boys/men leave the scene once that happens. But I think real talk instead of sheltering will help guide kids into better choices.

We teach our daughter to say no, but we also teach her about what's on a predator's boy's mind. Most parents don't teach their boys about saying NO, so as a parent of a girl, I must teach my child how to make sure that the predator boy understands NO.

Why the boy gotta be a predator, though? Who are you, Aahnald Schwarzenegger or somethin'? 

Other than that, Cosign!

[SisterT]

Why the boy gotta be a predator, though? Who are you, Aahnald Schwarzenegger or somethin'? 

Sorry about that...couldn't help myself. LOL!!  It is what it is!  :DLOL!

[Big T.]

Jmanley, I got to agree with you.

My daughter is 13 and has a "boyfriend". I was against the whole idea at first, but it was my HUSBAND who convinced me to allow her to have said boyfriend. She can't go on a date with the guy, and we carefully monitor phone calls, and conversations.

At 17, whether you want her to or not, your child will most likely had a secret "boyfriend". If she is not allowed to had a relationship at 17, then she MAY enter college making very bad decisions when it comes to boys. Sheltered kids usually get wild once they become of adult age.

Since my daughter was allowed to have a boyfriend, we have become even closer and transparent in our discussions. She comes to me with the boyfriend issues, which allows me to guide her into wise decisions.

She even told me about her first kiss. Dude kissed her on the cheek. I wanted to cringe and say, "don't ya'll be doing that", BUT I used the moment as an opportunity for REAL talk without the scolding.

As women, I think it's harder for us to let our daughters have relationship because we know if they were to get pregnant it will be our responsibility. Most boys/men leave the scene once that happens. But I think real talk instead of sheltering will help guide kids into better choices.

We teach our daughter to say no, but we also teach her about what's on a predator's boy's mind. Most parents don't teach their boys about saying NO, so as a parent of a girl, I must teach my child how to make sure that the predator boy understands NO.

Co-sign!!!

[sjonathan02]

Sorry about that...couldn't help myself. LOL!!  It is what it is!  :DLOL!

Indeed.

[Jmanley1116]

Jmanley, I got to agree with you.

My daughter is 13 and has a "boyfriend". I was against the whole idea at first, but it was my HUSBAND who convinced me to allow her to have said boyfriend. She can't go on a date with the guy, and we carefully monitor phone calls, and conversations.

At 17, whether you want her to or not, your child will most likely had a secret "boyfriend". If she is not allowed to had a relationship at 17, then she MAY enter college making very bad decisions when it comes to boys. Sheltered kids usually get wild once they become of adult age.

Since my daughter was allowed to have a boyfriend, we have become even closer and transparent in our discussions. She comes to me with the boyfriend issues, which allows me to guide her into wise decisions.

She even told me about her first kiss. Dude kissed her on the cheek. I wanted to cringe and say, "don't ya'll be doing that", BUT I used the moment as an opportunity for REAL talk without the scolding.

As women, I think it's harder for us to let our daughters have relationship because we know if they were to get pregnant it will be our responsibility. Most boys/men leave the scene once that happens. But I think real talk instead of sheltering will help guide kids into better choices.

We teach our daughter to say no, but we also teach her about what's on a predator's boy's mind. Most parents don't teach their boys about saying NO, so as a parent of a girl, I must teach my child how to make sure that the predator boy understands NO.

This is what I was trying to convey to my wife about the whole predator boy thing.  Thanks!

[under13]

This is what I was trying to convey to my wife about the whole predator boy thing.  Thanks!

90 percent of 13 yr old boys are predators trying to capture thier prey. AKA your daughters. As long as as your daughter is educated she should be fine. Its sad that her mother feels that way; She might be reluctant to talk to her mom about relationship issues in the future. She is the one person that she should talk to about relationships. If her mother doesnt educate her, then you have to, or else she will get educated by her friends at school, and you dont want that. Make sure she understands that a 13 year old boy doesnt love her, no matter what he says. Remind her that kissing on the cheek, leads to kissing on the mouth, kissing on the mouth leads to 'petting', and that leads to ....well yall know

When she does get a boyfriend, make sure you meet him and his parents, and have your shotgun in your hand when he comes over to the house.

[apostolic holiness gurl]

90 percent of 13 yr old boys are predators trying to capture thier prey. AKA your daughters. As long as as your daughter is educated she should be fine. Its sad that her mother feels that way; She might be reluctant to talk to her mom about relationship issues in the future. She is the one person that she should talk to about relationships. If her mother doesnt educate her, then you have to, or else she will get educated by her friends at school, and you dont want that. Make sure she understands that a 13 year old boy doesnt love her, no matter what he says. Remind her that kissing on the cheek, leads to kissing on the mouth, kissing on the mouth leads to 'petting', and that leads to ....well yall know

When she does get a boyfriend, make sure you meet him and his parents, and have your shotgun in your hand when he comes over to the house.

and how old are you again?!?! lol

[THE WOLFMAN]

90 percent of 13 yr old boys are predators trying to capture thier prey. AKA your daughters. As long as as your daughter is educated she should be fine. Its sad that her mother feels that way; She might be reluctant to talk to her mom about relationship issues in the future. She is the one person that she should talk to about relationships. If her mother doesnt educate her, then you have to, or else she will get educated by her friends at school, and you dont want that. Make sure she understands that a 13 year old boy doesnt love her, no matter what he says. Remind her that kissing on the cheek, leads to kissing on the mouth, kissing on the mouth leads to 'petting', and that leads to ....well yall know

When she does get a boyfriend, make sure you meet him and his parents, and have your shotgun in your hand when he comes over to the house.

with hollow points.

[uriahsmusic]

...hormones vs history!......get a life and remove your daughters from the game!.....Our sons will have no mercy!...Recent history has shown....you WILL be a grandparent very soon!...

[vtguy84]

Random thought:  93% of all statistics are made up on the spot

JManley, I think I'll take that same EXACT approach when I have children that age.  Very practical and attainable. Bless you, sir.

[LaylaMonroe]

Random thought:  93% of all statistics are made up on the spot

JManley, I think I'll take that same EXACT approach when I have children that age.  Very practical and attainable. Bless you, sir.

I knew you were gonna say that. 

JMan, Coincidentally, I just finished telling a colleague the story of the day my 15-year old daughter came to me while I was cooking dinner and told me that she was ready to have sex.  I don't feel like telling the story all over again, but maybe later.

Anyway, as you can see from my avatar, I now have a beautiful baby granddaughter.  My emotions, from the day I got the news to date are:   

For whatever it's worth, I totally agree with you.  My daughter and I have an extremely close relationship.  We talk about everything (as evidenced by her telling me she wanted to have sex).  The rule in my home was that, in 8th grade, she could get phone calls from boys, in 11th grade, she could go on a group date, and in 12th grade, she could go on a one-on-one date.  (I used grades instead of ages).  At no time at all was she allowed to have premarital sex.  This was the rule, written in stone, and not debatable.  Obviously, she broke that rule... lol.

Honestly, it's my opinion that some children will stray from their parents' teachings regardless.  But, nonetheless, it's still our responsibility to instill values and self-respect in them, and just pray that they do the right thing.  I think that whether your wife yields to your preference (which she should, because she's not the head of the home) or you decide to yield to hers (which you can, because you're the head of the home  ), there's still a chance that things can go wrong with your daughter. 

I just think it's more likely to go wrong if you make her wait until she's 17 to converse with boys.  (Chances are, she'll just sneak around, and that's the LAST thing you want).

And I have one last thing to add.  A lot of the other parents may disagree, but it is my STRONG opinion that when a teenager (or pre-teen, God forbid) decides that they are going to have sex, there isn't much ANYONE can do to stop that.  Period.  You can't talk 'em out of it once their minds are made up, so the best thing to do is take preemptive measures from the time they are toddlers (yes, toddlers), and pray for the best.

[Errica Gooden]

Im ninteen going on twenty and none of my parents talked to neither me nor my twin sister about relationships. Now let me give you a result of this which you might already know. I became a christian and was curious did not do anything thouhgh. I got in five relationships while in highschool and my parents did not and still dont know anything abouth them because i was and still is a christian so they trusted me. Me and my sister were 'sheltered' children. My sister is not saved (please pray for her) she went bad bless God she is not pregnant. God has blessed me now with a wonderful young man whom im currently in a relationship with and he's the only one my parents know about. Thats because he pushed it. Even with all this at my age i still cant go to my parents about relationships. I would feel funy or like its not right to go to them so my boyfriend would do it for me.
I learnt about relationships from peers church and well my curent boyfriend and most importantly God.
if i was not a christian i would take whatever my peers tell me about relationship as a rule but i had God.. my sister does not and she listens to her peers and is now in a bad relationship, they curse all day and he convinced her to come out of the church. If my mother had  spoken to us and monitered us my sister would not be the way she is now. But i trust God.
I would tell parents to talk to their children and moniter them i wish mine did cuz if it had not been for god...
So do what you said you would and i hope ur wife changes her mind.