I'v been reading the responses in this thread, and I understand each point. However, I must say that SisterT has shown immense wisdom in her responses. I agree whole-heartly with EVERYTHING you said, SisterT, and I appreciate your transparency.
I'd really like to see some more opinions, especially from those whose families have gone through something like this.
I'll be transparent as well, and I'll try to be as brief as possible. I have first-hand experience with this issue as my family has gone through this whole ordeal. Back in 1994, when I was 18 years old and a senior in high school, my father allowed my 9-year-old niece to touch him inappropriately. Two of my nieces were living with us at the time, and had been molested several times during their childhood, while they were living with her mother, which is why they were living with my parents (their paternal grandparents). That night, my father came to me in tears and told me he was a failure, and that he hoped I didn't grow to hate him. Of course I'm thinking "Where is this coming from?"! The next day, my father turned himself in to the authorities. My mother then informed me what had happened, and my world literally turned upside down.
I went from being a carefree high school college-bound honor roll kid, to a reclusive mess. How would YOU feel if your two-parent, loving household became a single-parent home overnight because of something so shameful? My grade point average went from 3.8 to a 1.9. My mother was so hurt by the whole thing, that she could not really be much help to me. The neighbors found out about what happened, and so did the members of our church. We never really talked about it with people, so many people were left to speculate about the actual details, and boy did I hear some outlandish stories!
Everyone in my family was hurt and devastated by this on so many levels. The amazing thing, though, is that we forgave my dad almost immediately. I can tell you that many different emotions beset me. I would be sad, then angry, then confused, but mostly sad. My family got through it. My brother (my niece's father) forgave my dad, as did their mother, and everyone involved. None of us wanted my dad to go to prison. Even though what he did was very wrong, and we agreed that he should have some kind of punishment, we thought he should be required to go to counseling, or put on probation. My dad had been a hard-working, law abiding family man for all his life. He had been on his job for 20 years, and had simply, in our view, made a terrible mistake. There was not a systematic, repeated act of child molestation.
My dad was appointed a public defender for his trial. I began seeing a special counselor at school during this whole ordeal. Eventually, my dad was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I was angry at the world. I was angry at the system, angry at my mom because I felt like she did not do enough. I knew people who had killed other people and didn't get 10 years in prison. There was no sodomy or penetration involved in the crime, and while that does NOT excuse what my father did, I just felt the sentence was too steep. Everyone that knew my dad and my family was devastated when the sentence was pronounced.
My father spent 6 years in prison. My parents reconciled their relationship. We went to visit him occasionally in prison. Even though I loved my dad dearly, I HATED visiting him in prison. I went so I could see my dad, and I didn't want him to feel bad, but I hated going to that prison and sitting there all day! He was a model prisoner, participated in the prison ministry, and was called "pop" by the other inmates, and they all respected him, which I thought was cool. I graduated from high school, and put off college to work full time to help my mom pay the bills. I worked two jobs. My dad had been making very good money on his job, and we no longer had that income.
My father was released from prison in 2000, and my whole family was happy. Part of his sentence was 8 years probation, 2 of which he had to wear an ankle bracelet at ALL times. About three weeks or so after his release, I noticed people passing out pamphlets outside. They placed one on each door in the neighborhood. When I looked at the one on our door, it had a big picture of my dad, with his name, his charges, his sentence, and it said he was a SEXUAL PREDATOR. When my dad saw the pamphlet, he started crying. I had never seen my father cry like that. He kept apologizing to me and my mom. There were a few people in the neighborhood who started acting like they were fearful. Fortunately, we lived in the predominately black "hood" that I grew up in, and people mostly lived and let live. Not to mention the fact that on the sex offender website there are about 3 listed on every street in our neighborhood! He wore that ankle bracelet for two years, and consistently reported to his probation officer. He went to his court ordered counseling sessions (which he was required to pay for out of his own pocket).
My nieces are all grown up and are beautiful young ladies. My oldest niece (the victim) has 2 children of her own, and they absolutely adore my father. They call him "paw". My parents renewed their vows for their 25th anniversary back in 2003. My dad is saved believer in Jesus CHrist. He will be 61 years old this coming Sunday, and is as hard working as he ever was. Myself, my mom, my dad, my two brothers, my nieces and nephews, my whole family have all mended our relationship and put the past behind us. I'm a junior in college now, studying to be a teacher.
...and my dad is on that website as a SEXUAL PREDATOR.
I have a different perspective now that I have personally dealt with this. I would imagine that I would be one of those who would say "I don't want those demons in my neighborhood" or "I would disown any family member of mine who was a sex offender." All I can say is that at my age I have learned not to judge any situation until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
I believe parents definitely have a right to protect their children. There are indeed creeps out there who would victimize children, and indeed deserve to be punished to the full extent of the law. I am not a "sex-offender advocate" because of what happened in my family. I only wish that people would look at both sides of the issue before jumping to conclusions. The point is, it shouldn't take a website for you to watch and pray over your children, and for you to be cautious with your children.
What if all of our past (and current) indescretions were plastered for everyone to see? What if, even after you served your time, and paid your debt to society, you were forced to walk around with a label? I could understand maybe repeat offenders being closely monitored. I don't claim to have all the answeres. I'm just offering a perspective in this situation of someone who has been through this.
A few years ago when I was still living with my parents, I got a knock on the door. I opened the door and there was a reporter there with a microphone and a camera. "Mr.__________(my last name, which happens to be the same as my father's). I said "yes". He then began to ask me how I felt about the fact that congress was considering passing a law to make it mandatory that sex offenders wear tracking devices for the rest of their lives. I told him I thought it was a bit extreme. It then became clear to me that he thought I was my father. He asked me to go on camera and I declined.
Okay so much for brevity!! I'm sorry this post is so long-winded, and I basically almost told my life story! But this is not the first thread about this subject that has been on LGM, and I thought I would offer an account of one who has experienced this issue on BOTH sides. Both the VICTIM and the PERPETRATOR were two people I love.
