Before I begin, please do me a favor and keep any laughs or jokes to yourself. PLEASE. Although I recognize the potential for humorous jokes, I'm still very much shaken up and I just don't find it funny at all. I would really appreciate it if we don't make this one into a joke. Thanks!
Okay so y'all know I'm terrified of insects, right? I have no idea how or when my fear became so huge. As a kid, I caught lightning bugs just like everyone else. I swatted flies, stomped spiders, took my shoe off to chase a mosquito... I remember staying with my aunt during breaks from college and she had silverfish. I would just grab a napkin and kill it - no problem. Nowadays, the very thought of an insect pretty much freaks me out. To actually try to kill one? Probably not happening. (LOL @ how my hands are starting to shake as I'm typing this). I'm not sure when my fear intensified -- nothing in particular happened to traumatize me. I just hate insects. That's all.
God knows I do. Everyone who knows me knows I do. Three strange things have happened in the past few days; last night was the climax.
I had a really rough day yesterday, and the one thing I needed to get done for our upcoming Convocation didn't get done. I didn't leave my office until 9:20p, and I was exhausted, frustrated, annoyed and worn out. I decided to go home, turn my ringer off and just get in bed. No work. No e-mail. No worrying. Just relax.
I'm in bed with my laptop, playing spades online when I heard a faint buzzing, as I felt something hit my head simultaneously. Without even thinking, my reflexes swatted at the insect, threw the laptop across the room, and jumped out of the bed, all within about a second. I looked on my bed to see where it had landed. It was kinda hard, so I was expecting a sickly wasp or something. I didn't see anything, so I approached the bed slowly and pulled the covers up. Still nothing.
Eyes locked on the bed, I stepped back and began to freak out. I started crying, panting, praying, jumping up and down, and scratching my head... Then, my mind went into problem-solving mode, and I tried to figure out what to do. All the while, I'm still looking for the intruder. I turned the overhead light on and glanced under the bed. Didn't want to glance too long because I was scared the bug might elude me, which would mean I would have to pack an overnight bag and sleep elsewhere. The quick glance was enough to convince me that the bug was still in bed. I sleep with a bunch of books, and usually a pair of pajamas are laying on the side of the bed as well. Last night, I had pajamas, a t-shirt, and several books on the bed. I didn't know where that sucker was hiding, but I knew he was in there somewhere.
I tried to devise a plan. I called "help" out as loud as I could, but then realized that if anyone came, I'd have to go to the door to let them in... and that wasn't an option because I was not taking my eyes off that bed. Then I reached for my phone to call my neighbor. Remembering that he doesn't have a key, I wracked my brain for plan C. Just then, something... almost a haze of a shadow caught my eye. Peeking out from under my pajama tank top, were two of the longest antennae I had ever seen. A more focused look provoked another episode of freaking out, as I screamed to Jesus, begging for mercy, help, and calling Him every one of His names I could think of... it was a palmetto bug.
I didn't know whether I should stop at that moment and freak out because a palmetto bug had landed on my head, or whether I should freak out because it was still alive, on my bed, and about the size of my whole entire thumb. I knew I had to do something, and I knew I would have to do it alone or risk losing sight of the assailant (yes, now that I've seen his size, he is an assailant). I backed up slowly into my bathroom, eyes still locked on the assailant, and grabbed a bottle of Clorox Clean-Up spray. I decided that I would move out before I sprayed my bedspread and favorite pajamas with bleach. Plus, I was thinking, it's been about 3 minutes now. He's still in the same spot, so he must be sickly. Maybe I can make it to the other bathroom and grab the Fantastik, I thought. He started to move and I realized my options were limited. I grabbed the first shoe I could find, a pair of eggplant but it was too soft to do the job. He moved again, and I knew I had to catch him now before I lost my chance. I grabbed another shoe, and whacked it. I pressed down long enough to kill him and slowly moved the shoe. That mean son-of-a-palmetto was still moving. He ran off and ended up falling off the bed. In one swift motion, I grabbed the first shoe in my left hand, kept the other shoe in my right hand and went in for the kill. When I was sure he was at least immobilized, I ran in the other bathroom to grab the Fantastik, returned to the crime scene and hosed him down good with the all-purpose cleaner.
Once I saw he was dead, I commenced having what felt like a heart attack. My face was twitching, head spinning, heart racing, and I just screamed my head off. I still can't believe that happened to me. IT FELL ON MY HEAD! What in the world???
I'm just thinking that out of the thousands of people I know, I bet I'm the only person who has ever had a palmetto bug land on her head... and I happen to be the ONE who is deathly terrified of insects. So why me? Seriously. Why?
