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Gospel Instruments => Gospel Keyboard / Piano => Topic started by: choirmem on January 06, 2006, 09:05:46 AM

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: choirmem on January 06, 2006, 09:05:46 AM

>You Know You A Ghetto Christian If--
>1. You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify
>that "God made a way out of no way
>2. You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR seat.
>3. You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because you
>just got your hair did!
>4. You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and leave
>early!!!
>5. You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
>6. Your wedding song is 'Secret Lovers'.
>7. You do not lift your hand during worship because your! acrylic nail
>is broken.
>8. The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing
>"your" song.
>9. You do not tithe because you say, "the preacher might be crooked and
>stealing the Lord's money, so I don't want to give it to him."
>10. After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't
>repent but you say, "Well the Lord knows m! y heart" .
>11. If you have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, thou
>shall not smoke".
>12. Your favorite part of the service is the benediction.
>13. You buy "hot" merchandise and testify the Lord blessed me with! a
>TV, jewelry, clothes, etc
>14. You overheard someone say, "We got fed today at service" and you
>asked if they served chicken.
>15. You just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then
>try to lead a song, get choked up, holding your throat and say to the
>congregation, "The devil don't want me to sing this song."
>
>Pass this on to let others know the signs of a "ghetto" Christian.
>
>Always keep people in your life that charge your battery, not those who
>will drain it.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 09:52:28 AM

When you get too much change back from the store and say"What a blessing God knows just what I needed" :?  :?  Your Ghetto

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 10:09:38 AM

Quote from: B-3_trainee

When you get too much change back from the store and say"What a blessing God knows just what I needed" :?  :?  Your Ghetto

If you got a church Bro. that sells bootleg cds, dvds, and oils after church.(we got one)

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 06, 2006, 10:10:12 AM

On communion Sunday when the tray comes to you, everbody in the row gotta wait, cause you lookin for the biggest piece of bread/cracker and the the glass that has the most Juice in it.  Talking bout "I aint eat no breakfast this morning!"  You need to stop playin!!!!

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 10:47:56 AM

Quote from: 3rd-Day

On communion Sunday when the tray comes to you, everbody in the row gotta wait, cause you lookin for the biggest piece of bread/cracker and the the glass that has the most Juice in it.  Talking bout "I aint eat no breakfast this morning!"  You need to stop playin!!!!

FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYY :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: Muziqmann on January 06, 2006, 10:50:25 AM

Y'all are funnie.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 10:59:54 AM

If you got a Deacon thats been married to 2 or more of the Mothers.

If when you have Baptism you and your kids show up with beach towels, swimsuits and a cooler with huggie juices and yall tryin to cook out.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 06, 2006, 11:42:32 AM

If you have to watch 106 and Park so you can get some new shoutin steps. Now you know you know bettah!!!

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 06, 2006, 12:04:55 PM

Quote

If when you have Baptism you and your kids show up with beach towels, swimsuits and a cooler with huggie juices and yall tryin to cook out.

Yo I didnt even see this, You crazy!!! :D

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 12:21:34 PM

If your usher board requires you to carry a gun.

If you practice speaking in tounges talking bout "shondaecholabanemo".

If your church is on the way to visit another church and stops at a random family reunion just to eat.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 06, 2006, 12:37:26 PM

If your black dress pants are shiny, and your chior robe got a black ring aroung the collar.

If the bathrooms in your church got the tree shaped air refreshners that you supposed to put in cars.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 12:50:59 PM

If you get married in your communion sunday outfit.

If you tell the trustees you need a keyboard stand and they get you a ironing board.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 06, 2006, 01:02:29 PM

If your sound room got egg cartons glued to the wall.

If your church PA system is running off a car battery.  :D

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 06, 2006, 01:22:06 PM

If your praise team has the my 1st mic with the speaker attached and its yellow, pink and lime green.

If when your praise dance team is done they have to pick up their tips off the floor.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: boyam on January 06, 2006, 09:24:39 PM

Yall crazy yo.  My stomach is sore from laffin so much.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: myoung92 on January 06, 2006, 09:45:30 PM

If your Pastor has a curl, your church may be ghetto.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: musiq16 on January 06, 2006, 11:19:35 PM

If your church has a ATM machine and a concession stand in the front, your church may just be a little bit ghetto

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: musician_organist on January 07, 2006, 12:15:37 AM

oh, father...help me.  I can't breathe right now.  this is too funny.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: SirTJ on January 07, 2006, 01:05:15 AM

- When you see someone drop a $20 on the ground and you shout your way over there to pick it up.

- You don't say Amen or anything during the entire service, but are the loudest one  shouting it during the benediction prayer.

- The church doesn't have any drum sticks so you go outside and pull some twigs off a nearby tree and use them

- When you write notes to people on the back of the fans during service

- When after service, while refreshments are being served, you send your three kids to get plates so you can have four plates instead of one.

- You sleep during the entire preaching, but when he gets to the heavy part you're the first one shouting.

- Every time offering is about to be taken up, you suddenly have to use the bathroom.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 07, 2006, 06:36:00 AM

If the mothers in your church pull up in on sunday morning in a lac, sittin sideways, with they church hats tilted, throwin gang signs and while blastin "I wont complain".

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 07, 2006, 06:46:40 AM

If the organ is missing so many keys that it looks like somebody that just got there front teeth knock out.

If instead of gettin a small rug, you tie a rope from the kick drum to the stool and every other part of the drum set, so when the kick drum slides up, you and the whole set slide up with it.  when you play shout music you all up in the isle runnin over church members.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 07, 2006, 07:53:17 AM

If you use "We Fall Down" for an excuse to go to the club.

If you bust a tamborine and still use just the rim with and 3 cymbals on it.

If after your pastor has brought the word they bring his juice in big PIMP cup with diamonds and rubys on it.

If your pastor preaches out of a childrens bible and shows the pics during the sermon.

If you give a bad check in the offering for $50 and you tell them $10 is for the church and you need your change.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: Crazykeys on January 08, 2006, 06:56:54 PM

:D If you singin  a solo and yo voice cracks and then you get in the spirit to cover your cracked notes.

When the pastor preaches about women waitin for the right man so they can holla at those same women.

When you start shoutin and then you take off any new items your wearing so they won't break and then start shoutin again.

When the choir sing a hype song and the congregation and the ministers all bust out with the electric slide. :D  :)

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: musiq16 on January 08, 2006, 09:32:12 PM

IF the ushers at the church use cell phones instead of hand signals to send messages.

If the Pastor has a jerry curl with a tooth pick in his mouth and says Jesus is my homie.

If the mother of the church is outside fighting with the pastor's wife and wins :lol:

If the kids walk right through the pulpit while the preacher is preaching.

YOUR CHURCH MIGHT  JUST BE A LIL' BIT GHETTO

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: jjblack on January 09, 2006, 03:20:31 PM

You church is ghetto if...

If they collect Sunday Morning offering in an old KFC chicken bucket.

If your choir robes are the leftover robes from the church down the street with new letters sewn on for your church's name.

If your pastor turns to the books of zekiel and bakkuk.

If you have to check the seats to make sure they aren't broke.

When a member names her triplets shadrach, meshach and abednego

When a deacon ask you if he-brews was a drink recipe...

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: alquarles on January 16, 2006, 02:35:34 PM

Or if the church doesn't have a snare, they rip the pad from a tambourine.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: Scales27 on January 18, 2006, 10:43:56 AM

My church IS ghetto because...

Our base drum broke so we first put a ton of tape on it. after that wore away, we turned it around and play on the label side.

We don't have a choir, so the pastor plays CD's during offering time (I'm not too fond of that one :( )

Our gospel celebrity guests are usually just the CD.

Pastor does the Chicken head on accident to many songs.

We use saltine crackers instead of the bread wafers for communion

We do appollo talent shows on special occasions

On events, we have to bring out folding chairs for the guests


YOUR church is ghetto if...

the missionaries use testimony services to talk about how another missionary stole their man

if people use testimony services to remind people that they owe them money

if your pastor is an ex pimp, and still wears the hat

if your pastor looks like money Mike

if your pastor is Mr. Biggs

if the ushers confiscate your gum and take a stick to chew during preaching

if "Sister Odeyll" is the mother of your church (from Steve Harvey's church)

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: apostolic_lady05 on January 19, 2006, 07:10:02 PM

Your church is ghetto if:

The pastor has to break up a fight (On church ground), between a sister in the church, and the Choir director, after Sunday Morning worship.

My friend was telling me about how after their church service they were outside in front of the church, and this lady was talking about this other woman's son, and fists starting flying.  Not only was the mama's fighting the other lady's husband jumped in.

Lord have mercy, If that's how church is supposed to be, we need much PRAYER, FASTING, and DELIVERANCE!

Acts 2:38
apostolic_lady05

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 20, 2006, 08:32:41 AM

Man ya'll still going, A-ight!!!  If on Communion Sunday you bring some jelly to church to put on your cracker , youz a ghetto christian.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: lilmanofgod on January 20, 2006, 04:17:03 PM

Might as well get mines in lol...

This is ghetto:
-you dont have a praise team director so ur pastor who cant sing sings lead
-(put me in Eb) when the shoutin music start u start colvotin when it stop u suddenly stop movin
-on sunday mrnin u get in the mirror and practice some new shout moves ( i do that sometimes :lol: )
-U say "Sing girl" when u kno doggone well they sound a mess
-U tell the deaconess "o ur hair looks nice" when u kno that that weave is a hot mess
-U got the loudest shiniest biggest tambourine in the church
-U only play ur tamborine when they shout and when they shout after beatin the tambourine up u throw it down and shout
-U tell ur neighbor in the pew to hold ur hat while u shout
-Ur preacher cant seem to preach in ONE key
-U celebratin ur 15th anniversary at the same school building u been at for fifteen years
-U have Jay-Z and Lil Wayne blastin on the highway but when u get close to the church u turn "Jesus Will Fix It" and then got the nerve  to shout in the parkin lot when uget done parkin
-U say HALLELUJUAH AMEN when the pastor says "one last vers"
-U kno that the song the choir is singin is a "shoutin" song (yall kno wut i mean i.e. Lord Do It) so u put ur shoutin shoes on ( COGIC church thats ery sunday
-Its ghetto jus to have shoes that u call "shoutin shoes"
-U got a 1987 Nissan car but u alwayz got the latest Gucci, Burberry, and Louis Vuitton
-Ur children shoes are holey (not holy) but u alwayz got the latest fashion
-U get a car note for a brand new Mercedes SLK 500 and say look wut the lord has done 8O (will it still b god when the snatchman come lol)
-During praise and worship u lookin at the single womens hands to make sure they aint got no ring (shame men)
-Heres one for the ladies: U attend ery single conference ery church singles get together to meet that fine man (shame shame shame)
-u hold one finger up to leave the service early :lol:

I got a whole list so ima stop here but if theres an organist in herr put me in Ab so i can shout rite quik

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: lilmanofgod on January 20, 2006, 05:50:17 PM

keep it comin yall this is funny

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: beantownborn on January 23, 2006, 09:09:19 AM

Y'all are too funny! I'm at work with the silent hard laugh.  Please keep 'em comin'!

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: LadyWiz on January 23, 2006, 09:47:37 AM

Quote from: lilmanofgod

Might as well get mines in lol...

This is ghetto:
-you dont have a praise team director so ur pastor who cant sing sings lead
-(put me in Eb) when the shoutin music start u start colvotin when it stop u suddenly stop movin
-on sunday mrnin u get in the mirror and practice some new shout moves ( i do that sometimes :lol: )
-U say "Sing girl" when u kno doggone well they sound a mess
-U tell the deaconess "o ur hair looks nice" when u kno that that weave is a hot mess
-U got the loudest shiniest biggest tambourine in the church
-U only play ur tamborine when they shout and when they shout after beatin the tambourine up u throw it down and shout
-U tell ur neighbor in the pew to hold ur hat while u shout
-Ur preacher cant seem to preach in ONE key
-U celebratin ur 15th anniversary at the same school building u been at for fifteen years
-U have Jay-Z and Lil Wayne blastin on the highway but when u get close to the church u turn "Jesus Will Fix It" and then got the nerve  to shout in the parkin lot when uget done parkin
-U say HALLELUJUAH AMEN when the pastor says "one last vers"
-U kno that the song the choir is singin is a "shoutin" song (yall kno wut i mean i.e. Lord Do It) so u put ur shoutin shoes on ( COGIC church thats ery sunday
-Its ghetto jus to have shoes that u call "shoutin shoes"
-U got a 1987 Nissan car but u alwayz got the latest Gucci, Burberry, and Louis Vuitton
-Ur children shoes are holey (not holy) but u alwayz got the latest fashion
-U get a car note for a brand new Mercedes SLK 500 and say look wut the lord has done 8O (will it still b god when the snatchman come lol)
-During praise and worship u lookin at the single womens hands to make sure they aint got no ring (shame men)
-Heres one for the ladies: U attend ery single conference ery church singles get together to meet that fine man (shame shame shame)
-u hold one finger up to leave the service early :lol:
I got a whole list so ima stop here but if theres an organist in herr put me in Ab so i can shout rite quik

lilmanofgod ~ you is sho nuff a hot mess!  And don't you know that putting up that finger is important?  It's like a cloaking device and it makes one invisible as one is making their exit!  :lol:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: SisterT on January 23, 2006, 10:00:34 AM

You are a ghetto Christian if you pray and thank God that "your bed wasn't your cooling board nor your blanket your winding sheet " don't know what da heck a cooling board and winding sheet is.  :lol:

You are a ghetto Christian if your Sunday morning worship outfit doubles as your "clubbin' gear".  :lol:

You know you are a ghetto Christian if you look like a busted can of biscuits in the above described outfit!  :lol:  Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you got to wear it! LOL!!  :lol:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: jjblack on January 23, 2006, 02:20:19 PM

No, you know your church is ghetto when:

When your church has four different kinds of hymnals (red, blue, green, and that ugly white one) and you have to guess what page the song is on and when you flip to the front..... it has the name of the church down the street stamped in it....

When the cloth pews have old jherri curl juice stains on the top and glitter on the seat... Then the kid sleep on the pew next to you has an accident and the pee stain starts spreading towards you.. Hey! watch it! this is my new purple Easter suit and pee don't look good on the leg.

When the ushers eight button suit only got six buttons left... The same usher who takes bets as for whose wig will fall off first when the shouting starts...

The bad kid in front of you is laying on the floor eating cheerios out of a baggie while drawing a picture of Moses parting the red sea on the hardwood floor in crayon.. Moma says he got a gift....

The pastor has the biggest rims in the parking lot on his pink Caddie....

You got an old deacon that forgets what he was testifying about and starts singing a song he forgot the words to..


I gotta question why all church fans got a funeral home on the back....

Anybody got that church fan with a family from the eighties prayin on the front by a stain glass window....

I'm collecting them like trading cards and that's the only one I'm missing!

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: ApostolicFemale on January 23, 2006, 02:54:04 PM

Ghetto Christians...let's go to straight THE Ghetto Apostolics...
The one's who don't have any stocking so they put on...HOL UP...GHETTO MICHIGAN SAINTS...

THE ONES WHO DONT HAVE ANY STOCKINGS SO THEY GRAB SOME VASELINE AND SHINE UP...
OR

PUT ON SOME COTTON SOCKS AND BOOTS.

IT WAS COLDER THAN YOU EXPECTED SO YOUR CHOIR ROBE DOUBLES AS A FULL LENGTH COAT AFTER SINGING AS A GUEST CHOIR AT A CHURCH.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR, SO INSTEAD OF BEING EXTREMELY LATE, YOU PUT ON ANY SKIRT AND A T SHIRT CAUSE YOU GONE A HAVE A ROBE ON ANYWAY...AND DON'T LET THE DIRECTOR SAY WE CAN TAKE THE ROBES OFF AFTER WE SING... :oops: .....IN THE BALCONY WITH THE ROBE STILL ON.  :oops:


HOW BOUT THE MICHIGAN STATE COUNCIL HAS DWINDLED DOWN IN ATTENDANCE SO THE COUNCIL CHOIR HAS BECOME THE COUNCIL CORAL...THEN GROUP...THEN down to  a PRAISE TEAM!!!!!

YOU COULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR HAIR SATURDAY NIGHT, SO YOU CALL SHUNDA AND COME TO CHURCH WITH YOU HAIR, GEL, AND BOBBY PINS IN A BLACK PLASTIC BAG...YOU WALK IN THE LADY'S BATHROOM LOOKIN LIKE... OH MY GOOOD- MESS, AND COME OUT LIKE YOU SPENT HOURS AT THE SHOP.

HOW ABOUT....YOU THINK YOU ARE SINGING IN YOUR CHOIR ROBE FOR SERVICE, BUT FIND OUT YOU HAVE TO USHER, AND REPLY..."OH LORD ALL MY T***** ALL OUT!! AND YA CALL IN CERTAIN SISTERS TO HELP YOU PIN YOUR JACKET CAUSE YOU AINT GOT ON NO SHELL UNDER YOUR SUIT....

HOW ABOUT THE DEACON THAT'S BRINGING IN PAPER GOODS FOR THE DINNER AFTER SUNDAY MORNING SERVICE AND COMES TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE SANCTUARY AND BANGS ON IT DURING SERVICE CAUSE IT'S LOCKED...

HOW ABOUT THIS...YOU HAVE TO HAVE  CHURCH SECURITY WATCHING THE CARS IN THE BACK CAUSE SOMEONE'S CAR GOT STOLEN ONE NIGHT DURING SERVICE...(yeah it is Detroit, but still fun t, and GHETTO)

....WHAT'S UP WITH BUYING YOUR HAIR AND CLOTHES FROM THE SAME STORE...?

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 23, 2006, 03:44:29 PM

Brothers that think they slick. They wear one black sock and one dark blue sock thinking nobody will notice that they mix match.

Sisters that get to church and realized that they forgot their prayer caps so they borrow some bobby pins and pin a piece of tissue to the top of they hair.

If your church van still has "Chico's Cab Service" written on the side of it.

Choir members that think that their robes are too sanctified to take to the cleaners.  So they got the whole choir stand smellin like one sock and a onion.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on January 23, 2006, 03:51:40 PM

Quote

HOW ABOUT THE DEACON THAT'S BRINGING IN PAPER GOODS FOR THE DINNER AFTER SUNDAY MORNING SERVICE AND COMES TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE SANCTUARY AND BANGS ON IT DURING SERVICE CAUSE IT'S LOCKED

 :D  :D  :D  :D

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: ApostolicFemale on January 23, 2006, 03:56:53 PM

OK...I CANT SEEM TO LET IT GO.....SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW 'IF' THIS IS GHETTO...

IS IT GHETTO...OR JUST WRONG...

When your organist gets off the organ and is practically sitting on your lap..?(keyboardist)

When the drummer is playing with taped up sticks...NO, not the black tape, Scotch tape?

Is it ghetto when after a preacher is finished preaching, he goes into the office and comes out into the hallway greeting people in a T-shirt, eating an apple?

Is it ghetto when the preacher has on pajama pants under his robe?

Now, is it ghetto when the musician has a 2 liter of pop next to the keyboard with a cup?

Is it ghetto when the musician/choir director transposes and forgets to UN-traspose for the choir song, and seeing that the song leader is obviously struggling more than usual with this song, looks at the keyboard and without restarting the song, or warning the choir, transposes to the correct key?

Is it ghetto when the organist's mistress walks into the church and sits at the organ with them, and the wife walks out crying?..OR IS THE JUST WRONG? :roll:

Is it ghetto when the organist jumps off the organ, takes 2 laps around the church, comes back and says, "girl my ankle hurt"?

Is it ghetto when someone is shouting and..the ushers or the other helpers use paper towel to cover cleavage?

IS it ghetto when someone that's kinda hardoe gets to shoutin and after they are finished they say "d-word, I wanna do all that s-word"...and the someone is A FEMALE?


 :?:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: Da1witdastix on January 23, 2006, 06:20:15 PM

this is somethin i seen at churches in VA..

it's ghetto when yo preacher is preaching and listen to the redskin game

it's ghetto when u playin the piano and the string pop up and the old rev in the head

when some1 is gettin the holy ghost, some1 call and the pick u "yo i shoutin i call u back"

i went to this church da pastor was lying hands on ppl and say somethin to them and they pass out...i ask a brotha why u past out like that. "his breath stank!!"

it ghetto when u at a funeral and there a loud lady in there and when the preacher say the man name she like WHO?! AW LAWD I'M N THE WRONG PLAce

the preacher was preaching and said somethin bout shay-shot-ray-got-a-billygoat

i think it wrong if yo pastor is pulling bussiness cards out of his pocket and u see a night club flyer......

my church is ghetto cuz every song my youth choir sing it got a hip-hop and r&b remix in it...

is the WHOLE CHURCH is doing the Chicken Head, heel-toe, and lead withit rocket withit....

if yo church have a "thug day" and have a shirt say i am a thug for jesus and jesus is my pimp and i am his Ho*

if yo church freestyle in the middle of service-makin up songs as u go..

if u do the chi chi slide and the elictra slide.

of yo drummer play wit his hands or anythin otha then stick

if ur deacon try to bank yo preach treases thats just wrong

if Noxema and Aquafina to cousin start fight in the the back cuz 1 try to tlk to the otha boy friend

YO CHURCH IS G.H.E.T.T.O

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on January 24, 2006, 09:38:12 AM

If your pastor runs out of anointed oil and grabs some old grease from the church fish fry.

If your trustee also runs numbers for Big Al.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: BBoy on January 25, 2006, 09:10:26 PM

Your church might be ghetto if:

You send out invitations to an afternoon program that you want to start at 3 pm, so you know that you have to put 2:30 on it so people will show up by 3:15.

Your guest choir was thirty minutes late and they get mad if you don't let them sing. No they weren't trying to find the church because they are three blocks away from you.

Your mother's board have faith to cast out any demon and live in the roughest neighborhood, but they need the chruch van to drive fourteen hours to convocation because they are scared to fly for ninety minutes.

If your members step outside the church and go down to Mom-n-dem's for some fried chicken, Kool-Aid and a nap before you got to be back at 6 for YPWW.

If you go out to Ponderosa after church and get the buffet and the waiters and waitresses groan when they see your group coming in.

Divorce is running rampant, but your deacon board fervently prays that the saints be protected against anthrax powder, the bird flu, mad cow disease and whatever other news they saw on TV last night.

If your ministers know the basketball teams in the playoffs, but don't know any Scripture and all and stay mad at the pastor because they don't get a chance to preach.

If your choir robes are kept in a closet that smells like curl activator, hair grease and that oil they mix with cologne.

Your van driver isn't licensed to drive anything other than his car.

Everyone that can halfway preach is called, minister or evangelist, missionary or elder, but to tell the truth no one really knows who is actually ordained and who isn't . . . and goodness knows where they got that ordainment from.

You have a staff of missionaries and no one knows the last time any of them every set foot outside your church (doesn't missionary mean someone who goes out and carries the Gospel?)

Visiting evangelists stay at the pastor's house, but not because they want to . . . they stay there because that is the only place they can afford to stay on the offering they are getting. After the meeting is over, they have to fill up their gas tank with a credit card.

Be Blessed, everyone

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: Pajarita on January 26, 2006, 09:27:07 PM

Quote from: SisterT

You are a ghetto Christian if you pray and thank God that "your bed wasn't your cooling board nor your blanket your winding sheet " don't know what da heck a cooling board and winding sheet is.  :lol:

You are a ghetto Christian if your Sunday morning worship outfit doubles as your "clubbin' gear".  :lol:

You know you are a ghetto Christian if you look like a busted can of biscuits in the above described outfit!  :lol:  Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you got to wear it! LOL!!  :lol:

Three words, SisterT:  Mm, mm, mm.   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: gtsjames on January 27, 2006, 01:16:23 PM

Quote from: Pajarita

Quote from: SisterT

You are a ghetto Christian if you pray and thank God that "your bed wasn't your cooling board nor your blanket your winding sheet " don't know what da heck a cooling board and winding sheet is.  :lol:

You are a ghetto Christian if your Sunday morning worship outfit doubles as your "clubbin' gear".  :lol:

You know you are a ghetto Christian if you look like a busted can of biscuits in the above described outfit!  :lol:  Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you got to wear it! LOL!!  :lol:

Three words, SisterT:  Mm, mm, mm.   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

I thought it was Mmm, mmm, good.... oh wait, my bad, thats campbells soup  :)  :)

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: silky on February 04, 2006, 03:55:16 PM

Quote from: B-3_trainee

If you got a Deacon thats been married to 2 or more of the Mothers.

If when you have Baptism you and your kids show up with beach towels, swimsuits and a cooler with huggie juices and yall tryin to cook out.

This is too much :lol:  :lol:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: silky on February 04, 2006, 03:59:46 PM

Quote from: B-3_trainee

If your pastor runs out of anointed oil and grabs some old grease from the church fish fry.

If your trustee also runs numbers for Big Al.

or the preacher will get some baby oil if there is no fish fry grease

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: antzlck on February 04, 2006, 06:05:18 PM

You walk in church LATE of course, with your bible ON TOP YOUR HEAD, go and sit right at the front, before you sit down you do a little spin.  LOL I've seen this done. HAHA.

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: SisterSteinway88 on February 06, 2006, 10:48:55 PM

Y'all know I have to put in my two cents:

Is it ghetto when your church band regularly inserts clips of popular secular songs in all the vamps of the choir selections?

Is it ghetto when your church had it's keyboard stolen. . . twice . . . and you believe it was by the same person?

Is it ghetto when your pastor and the current first lady who's also an ordained minister have both been previously married more than once and then get a divorce and fight over who's going to get custody of the church?

Or

Is it ghetto to run out between services to buy more stockings because the ones you put on at home had a run in it and you knew it then but you were running late so you played it off by "noticing" right after the first service that you had a run in your stockings?

....cuz if all that is ghetto, then we're REALLY ghetto at my church. :oops:

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: allonesound on February 10, 2006, 03:40:46 PM

Omigosh this iz 2 funny. and lilmanofgod had me rollin!!!!

I got one this happend

A lady who often visits for night services: got in a car accident (after the Lord blessed her with a car that she prayed for) started speaking in toungs > i wish i wouda bought a hyundai, shouda bought a hyundai < over and over again....
this same person will start shouting after all the music is over and we about to go home
this same person will "back it up" (her shout of choice) into anyone close to her and one night service knocked over a bench fell out on the floor then got up after she realized no one was paying attention to her!!!
Wow she needs Jesus in a serious way

Title: ghetto christians
Post by: lilmanofgod on February 10, 2006, 03:52:53 PM

glad i could b of service allonesound.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: jayzflite3 on February 21, 2006, 09:21:02 PM

If your church uses the offering table for a keyboard stand

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: soldieranointed on February 22, 2006, 04:12:17 PM

Yall got me in the library rolling!  I'ma need for yall to quit!!!!  LOL!!!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: soldieranointed on February 22, 2006, 04:16:15 PM

:oYall got me in the library rolling!  I'ma need for yall to quit!!!!  :D  LOL!!!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: JoyCH1 on February 23, 2006, 08:32:46 PM

This is too funny.  :D  I can't remember laughing this hard.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: MODERN_DRUMMER on February 23, 2006, 08:56:10 PM

lol lol lol lol this is tooo much~!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on February 24, 2006, 07:40:59 AM

If you come to church and drop your kids off in childrens church then ease out the door like you left something in your car and leave and dont come back until [real eloquent co-pastor voice]"Let the saints of God say Amen, Amen again, You are dismissed!!! We will see you on Wednsday. Be blessed!!!!!!!"....................................... .......................You are more than ghetto! You need to be beat with a shoe. One of them griffin white, leaned to the side slip on with the curled up odor eater, usher shoes.  ;D ;D

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: 3rd-Day on February 24, 2006, 07:50:52 AM

Quote from: silky on February 04, 2006, 03:59:46 PM

Quote from: B-3_trainee

If your pastor runs out of anointed oil and grabs some old grease from the church fish fry.

If your trustee also runs numbers for Big Al.

or the preacher will get some baby oil if there is no fish fry grease

Or he grabs a bottle of Hot Sauce by mistake ;D ;D ;D ;D You cant have a Church Dinner without no Hot Sauce!!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: B-3_trainee on February 24, 2006, 10:55:57 AM

I'm Back

If your youth dept. jumps in new members.

If people get sick after the fish fry cause the fish was bad.

If your pastors robe is nomore than a old bedspread.

If your first kiss was on the church van.LOL

Yall Is Ghetto

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: lumbebear1 on February 24, 2006, 11:28:48 AM

YALL Keep em coming................................. ...laughter is good medicine

[/color]

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: soldieranointed on February 24, 2006, 04:50:15 PM

Quote from: 3rd-Day on February 24, 2006, 07:50:52 AM

Quote from: silky on February 04, 2006, 03:59:46 PM

Quote from: B-3_trainee

If your pastor runs out of anointed oil and grabs some old grease from the church fish fry.

If your trustee also runs numbers for Big Al.

or the preacher will get some baby oil if there is no fish fry grease

Or he grabs a bottle of Hot Sauce by mistake ;D ;D ;D ;D You cant have a Church Dinner without no Hot Sauce!!

Hot Sauce!  that Pastor really wants some chicken!  That's all that was, that's all that was  :D

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: alquarles on March 06, 2006, 02:39:19 PM

When you leave service early just to be the first in line downstairs for the church dinner.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: diverse379 on March 06, 2006, 04:32:16 PM

Where did this post come from I did not see this

You know your church is ghetto If you the take the battery out the smoke detectors to power the cordless mic

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: soldieranointed on March 06, 2006, 07:14:00 PM

Quote from: diverse379 on March 06, 2006, 04:32:16 PM

Where did this post come from I did not see this

You know your church is ghetto If you the take the battery out the smoke detectors to power the cordless mic

eeewwwwww!!!  :D :D :D

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: allonesound on March 07, 2006, 02:13:56 PM

the last friday of the month we have fellowship dinners and i know people who try to "go to the bathroom" as soon as we start pryaing so they can get a good spot in line. finally the kitchen crew people started catching on and made them waite!!!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: bishopk on March 13, 2006, 10:41:10 PM

WELL THIS IS A TRUE STORY. I KNOW I WAS IN A GHETTO CHURCH WHEN ON THE CHOIR REUNION I WALKED IN THE CHURCH ABOUT 10 MINS LATE AND LOOK UP AND IT WAS HOT SO I LOOKED AT THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH AND THEY PASSED OUT PAPER PLATES TO FAN WITH.

ANOTHER ONE IS WHEN I WASNT PLAYING AND I WAS SITING BACK AND THIS LADY HAD REMARKS AND I GUESS SHE WANTED TO BE JUANITA BYNUMM BUT SHE WAS LIKE 50 SOMETHING. ANYWAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT SHE TALKED AND TRIED TO GET THE CHURCH CRUNK BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE CRUNK BY TIME SHE SAT DOWN SHE WAS SWEATING SO SHE SAT DOWN AND YEAH I KNOW THIS SOUND WIRED BUT SHE TOOK HER WIG OFF AND WHIPED HE HEAD AND PUT THE WIG BACK ON.

I WENT TO A CHURCH AND A LADY PHONE WENT OFF AND SHE ANSWER IT AND HAD A CONVO AND THE CHURCH IS NO BIGGER THAN MY ROOM. SO YEAH I HEARD EVERYTHING.

ALSO YOU ARE GHETTO WHEN YOU SING AND SONG AND DONT KNOW THE WORDS BUT PUT WORDDS THAT YOU KNOW DONT EVEN MAKE SENSE IN IT. EX. MY AUNT SONG THERE IS A LEAK IN THIS OLD BULDING AND SHE WAS WORKING THE SONG TILL SHE SAID THAT HER LEGS ARE GETTING SHORTER I WAS LIKE JESUS

YOU GHETTO WHEN THE CHOIR IS UP SINGING BUT THE CHOIR MEMBER BE TALKING WHILE THEY SUPPOSE TO BE SINGING
IM FROM MEMPHIS I GOT ALOT OF STORIES ALL THIS IS TRUE JUST AS SURE AS JESUS IS.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: caisza on March 13, 2006, 11:14:14 PM

Now that is hilarious.  I needed that laugh big time bishopk.   ;D

Now I can sign off until tomorrow, Lord's will.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: davidenoch on January 02, 2009, 12:33:10 PM

Dawg....yall a hot mess.....lol

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: NJDBalla on January 02, 2009, 06:56:15 PM

Quote from: bishopk on March 13, 2006, 10:41:10 PM

WELL THIS IS A TRUE STORY. I KNOW I WAS IN A GHETTO CHURCH WHEN ON THE CHOIR REUNION I WALKED IN THE CHURCH ABOUT 10 MINS LATE AND LOOK UP AND IT WAS HOT SO I LOOKED AT THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH AND THEY PASSED OUT PAPER PLATES TO FAN WITH.

ANOTHER ONE IS WHEN I WASNT PLAYING AND I WAS SITING BACK AND THIS LADY HAD REMARKS AND I GUESS SHE WANTED TO BE JUANITA BYNUMM BUT SHE WAS LIKE 50 SOMETHING. ANYWAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT SHE TALKED AND TRIED TO GET THE CHURCH CRUNK BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE CRUNK BY TIME SHE SAT DOWN SHE WAS SWEATING SO SHE SAT DOWN AND YEAH I KNOW THIS SOUND WIRED BUT SHE TOOK HER WIG OFF AND WHIPED HE HEAD AND PUT THE WIG BACK ON.

I WENT TO A CHURCH AND A LADY PHONE WENT OFF AND SHE ANSWER IT AND HAD A CONVO AND THE CHURCH IS NO BIGGER THAN MY ROOM. SO YEAH I HEARD EVERYTHING.

ALSO YOU ARE GHETTO WHEN YOU SING AND SONG AND DONT KNOW THE WORDS BUT PUT WORDDS THAT YOU KNOW DONT EVEN MAKE SENSE IN IT. EX. MY AUNT SONG THERE IS A LEAK IN THIS OLD BULDING AND SHE WAS WORKING THE SONG TILL SHE SAID THAT HER LEGS ARE GETTING SHORTER I WAS LIKE JESUS

YOU GHETTO WHEN THE CHOIR IS UP SINGING BUT THE CHOIR MEMBER BE TALKING WHILE THEY SUPPOSE TO BE SINGING
IM FROM MEMPHIS I GOT ALOT OF STORIES ALL THIS IS TRUE JUST AS SURE AS JESUS IS.

HAHAHA ;D :Dlol
It would be funny if one of the deacon's wive's was on Maury cussin because the deacon was denyin' their baby and then they come back to church actin all sanctified........

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: last chance on January 06, 2009, 07:08:54 PM

If the only instruments in yo church is a washboard and tamberine.
If you refer to homecoming as BIG MEETIND SUN.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: last chance on January 06, 2009, 07:14:30 PM

if yo church mic has a stoking cap over as a popper!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: brother_kito on January 06, 2009, 08:14:13 PM

LOL  at the list :D

Hi, I'm new here.

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: churchyreal on April 29, 2010, 03:48:39 PM

lol this thread was funny!!

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: hardheaded on May 15, 2010, 11:41:42 PM

Quote

- When you see someone drop a $20 on the ground and you shout your way over there to pick it up.

That aint ghetto we in a recession

Quote

- When you write notes to people on the back of the fans during service

I thought that what those fans were for cause they sure dont cool you down

Quote

- Every time offering is about to be taken up, you suddenly have to use the bathroom.

not everytime just the mission and education and the building fund i stay for tides(tithes)

Quote

If you bust a tamborine and still use just the rim with and 3 cymbals on it.

They dont come like that?

Quote

-u hold one finger up to leave the service early :lol:

that is proper protocall

Quote

You are a ghetto Christian if you pray and thank God that
"your bed wasn't your cooling board nor your blanket
your winding sheet "
don't know what da heck a cooling board
and winding sheet is.  :lol:

ok that is kinda of ghetto but thank the lord i aint on my cooling board
(the table where they dress you for your funeral)

Title: Re: ghetto christians
Post by: dat_maestro on May 31, 2010, 10:35:53 AM

That is just tooooo funeeeee........and too true! LOL