Dad,
This has taken 34 years to build up the courage to say (write), and I felt that the words written here are more heartfelt than any greeting card...
I am really praying that you find the peace of God in your life before it comes to an end. At 57 years old, you still have a lot of built up anger over something that is causing you to hurt people who really care about you - including me...your first born son who also bears your name.
Yesterday, in a fit of rage about something that was not my fault you picked me up and slammed me into the wall without warning and never apologised.
I have sat and listened as you explained to people that you will never understand why my mama divorced you. I hear you say that you can not even begin to imagine what you could have possibly done wrong. But being slammed into that wall yesterday because your car broke down (especially when I was the one taking you back and forth to work in your car's "absence") brought back painful memories for me of when you used to beat mama in front of us, sometimes until she bled. I remembered the many "aunts" I had, who later ended up being women that you slept with while you were married to her. I remember being in your arms as a little boy while you smoked "reefer"...I didn't know what it was then. But you couldn't have cared for me much to do that with me in your arms...a young impressionable five year old boy!
I remember the way you laughed when you told the story about being on the road with the Temprees...all of y'all were smoking and drinking and my mama (pregnant with me at the time) fell on her stomach because you (the driver of the vehicle) stepped on the breaks really hard!! That was funny to you...but your firstborn son could have miscarried!
It brought back memories of when your youngest brother molested me and took my innocense at the age of five. When I told you, you beat me the same way you did my mama...until I bled.
When your cousin did it to me at the age of 8, you beat me again with the leg from the dresser, the post from the bed, and your bare fist when both of those played out...and again, I bled.
But yesterday, when you got so angry that you slammed me into the wall, God allowed me not to bleed. I believe I am finally at the point in my life where any bleeding that you could cause to me (internally or externally) is over...and that is why TODAY I must set myself free.
Before I got my apartment, we had not spoken in years. I kept hearing through the grapevine about how you wanted to "restore" your relationship with me so eventually (though very reluctant), I allowed it. Then, when I lost my apartment you came and helped me gather my things that hadn't been stolen and YOU INSISTED that I come to live with you instead of going back to mom's. Because things had been so far/so good....I went along.
Since that day, there has been nothing but bad blood and negative talk about how poor of an excuse of a man I am...how selfish and inconsiderate I am, and that is the part that hurts the worst.
You used the money that I had given you on the light bill and met women on the Internet, brought them to Memphis to spend wild weekends with you and more but told everyone that I wasn't helping you do anything financially. For the months of March and April (and the first part of May) we lived in the DARK because of your irresponsibility. But together (with your sister), I came up with over $1,000 to pay the balance and get the service restored. Yet you tell people I am no good, irresponsible, and have never been a help to you...you and I both know the truth.
When I asked you to teach me how to drive, you ignored me...but took my 16 year old stepbrother and taught him, then you co-signed for him a truck. Your days of playing the victim and convincing me are finally over, and I promise you this episode will not make me bleed. You no longer have that kind of power over me.
You and others wondered why I seemed to draw closer to guys most of my life, and why I made certain choices and decisions that I made early in life. The truth is you never complimented me....you never showed any signs of accepting me or even being glad or proud that I was your son. So, I sought that love and acceptance from other people. And consequently, I had to pay some dear costs to get from them what I really wanted from you...but not any more.
The bleeding stops now.
I am SURE that this will be the last form of communication between you and I before either of us dies. I honestly would not have it any other way. So, rest and be happy that for Father's Day 2007 you finally got what you've always wanted..."a life free from your no-good, punk, irresponsible, selfish "seed" (because you wouldn't dare feel that way about your "son").
May God bless you, and I really do pray that you find peace somewhere in your life before you end up hurting others who may not be as forgiving.
Happy Father's Day!
